Unsurprisingly, children have these days too (though hopefully they don't light up to deal with them). Maybe their best friend has fallen out with them, or the teacher has reprimanded them for something they didn't do, and suddenly it all becomes too much and all they want to do is play a video game to take their minds off it all.
These days can be hard to deal with. Despite all the work you've put in in supporting your child, all the driving to and from lessons and performances and all the money you've paid out for instruments, books and tuition, you're faced with a surly youngster who refuses to budge off the couch. "But I don't feel like it!" "I just want to miss one day, I promise I'll do extra tomorrow!" "You always make me practice when I don't want to. It's not fair!" Every parent of a child learning to play an instrument will have heard these words or a variation of them more than once over the years.
The thing to remember when faced with this situation is that a child in a bad mood is an argument waiting to happen. Your approach needs to be one that avoids that argument at all costs. Why? Perhaps you believe your child is being lazy, self-indulgent or spoiled. Perhaps they are. We all are sometimes, aren't we? But now is not the time to be having that discussion. This is the time for practice and you do not want the subject of the conversation to be diverted into general complaints.
Another reason for avoiding an argument is because you don't want your child to associate practice time with feelings of unhappiness and discord within its family. You also don't want your child to feel that practice is something they are bullied into doing against their will and nor do you want to set up the habit of a ritual argument before each session.
So, how to overcome the 'I don't feel like it' days?
- Stay calm. It takes two to make an argument. This means don't raise your voice, and think about the language you're using and the speed of your speech. It's important not to accuse, berate or blame, and not to interrupt or talk over your child. Doing any of these things is likely to escalate a discussion into an argument. That isn't to say that your child may not do any of these things, but you're the adult here.
- Have positive expectations. Sometimes a child will be signalling to you that they're going to put up a fuss about practising by pointedly lounging around very far from their instrument. However human beings, and especially children, are very suggestible. If you ignore their signals and maintain the attitude that practise is going to happen they will often go along with you with very little prompting. If, instead, you rise to the bait and start wheedling or cajoling then you've already acknowledged 'sides' in a dispute.
- Ignore. A child who has set himself up for a battle of wills is like a ship with the wind taken out of its sails if he gets ignored. If he isn't getting ready for practise, go and do something else until he is ready. (He isn't allowed to turn on the TV or start up a video game, though, as they aren't allowed before practice are they?) If you have set up good habits, your child will feel out of sorts until his normal routine is re-established.
- Be reasonable. If your child really has had a bad day or is feeling ill, it's important to acknowledge their feelings. Practising is not more important than attending to a genuine headache or a bruised ego. A cuddle, a chat and a compromise will leave your child feeling valued, cared for and in some control of his learning. My son and I have decided to shorten his practice on occasion, or to just get started and see how he feels after 15 minutes, or just to do his 'favourite' parts.
Another way of tackling the days when motivation is low is to work hard to encourage high levels of motivation generally. This will be the subject of my next blog.
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